September 13, 2018

Ready or Not, Silas Turns 2.

I don’t even know how to write all the things I am feeling without sounding  like an idiot or stage five clinger that hasn’t figured out how to cut the umbilical cord yet. But, here I go with the word vomit. Much to my surprise my newborn baby is turning two. And by surprise I mean I really didn’t see it coming. I avoided preparation at all cost which includes not even buying him birthday presents. At first I thought I couldn’t put my finger on why Silas’ birthdays are so painful. Of course every mom says the “I can’t believe it.”, “Time flies”, “My baby is growing up” etc etc…and while they are all right…I REALLY DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LAST TWO YEARS. I was talking to a friend recently about a “life change” and how had they known it was coming as soon as it was they felt like they would have done stuff differently leading up to it. All of a sudden it clicked and with tears in my eyes I explained how that is exactly how I feel. Silas could potentially be our last baby (If you are opposed to this like I am, I am totally fine if you start a petition.Just address it to the man in charge here at dysfunctional acres!!) I get a little panicky every time a milestone is reached or a season changes because it could potentially be the last time. I feel like if I knew that was coming I would have done stuff differently in the past years. I feel I am a better mom to him than I was to the big two when they were babies and toddlers. I know a lot of people feel that way. The more kids you have you kind of settle into it and it feels more natural each time but I genuinely feel like I didn’t do a good enough job. Im trying my hardest to do a better job with Silas. Since the very moment I had him I vowed to myself to not rush the seasons, to savor, to study him. I did all of those things religiously. I still do. Maybe that is my problem and I am overly obsessed with him and I need to see a therapist. BUT HAVE YOU SEEN HIS FACE AND FAT BELLY?  Im laughing more and I am stopping and watching him more than I did when the bigs were little bitty. I am doing all of the things I wish I did more with the other two. I would pay any amount of money to go back and redo those early years with Sophie and Knox. Especially Sophie. Man, being a first time mom is HARD. I mean haaarrrrddd. So, now here I am holding on so SO tightly to Silas, begging him not to grow up, begging him to let me prove myself, vowing to slow down and take it in, promising that if he would just stay small for a little longer I could undo all the times I wished away a stage with the other two just because it was hard or because it inconvenienced me and thought “if we could just get to this point life might be a little easier…”.Regardless of how I feel or how many nights I lay awake replaying the past years in my life nothing will change the past and nothing will slow down the aging process of my child. But, I can still treat my two year old like a newborn baby if I want. He can fix the issues it causes in therapy when he gets older. I can pray for a peace and that I won’t live in regret. Living with regret does nothing but steal the present joy right in front of you. And I can praise God for His grace and I can thank Him for His sovereignty.

Silas Hatch, even though it is bitter sweet we are going to celebrate you with every ounce that we have. You have brought so much goodness and laughter to our lives. We love you monster!

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